"...Fine dining."

I sighed with immense regret, considering the dull feeling of hunger in my stomach.

The incredibly expired can of pineapple slices would not open for me.

Not with a tiny wrench, in any case."Good hotel amenities are hard to obtain when your status is questionable!" the talking pet rock chimed from my pocket."My status is not questionable!" I argued."Yes it is.

I have a confirmation of such from the bicycle wrench you are holding." The pet rock persisted."Let me guess, the wrench is also alive?" I asked."Yes." The rock said.

"Also, it disapproves of your unlicensed usage of its intended function.

It is a bicycle wrench, not a can opener.""What's it gonna do about it?" I banged the wrench against the pineapple can."File a lawsuit against your person." The pet rock chimed.

"As useless as it may seem against a questionable user.""Why is that I can hear you, but not this wrench?" I inquired, wiggling the wrench back and forth."Not everything wants to directly communicate with a questionable user, you dolt.

What if you give it a virus?" Answered the pocket rock.I considered throwing the rude pet rock out the window and going downstairs to hang out out with Captain, but then I remembered Captain is a far worse conversationalist than a rock and is probably still taking "A MOST EXTREME BATH!".

I am still not sure what was so particularly extreme about it, other than the extreme lack of water."...incoming lawsuit: Improper tool operation!" The rock chimed."If I had a credit every time someone filed a lawsuit against me..." I started off on a rant about my infinite debt."You'd have a whole lot of lawsuits on your hands...

and I'm not a very good lawyer, just so you know." the pet rock interrupted me."Eh, my clothes made for a pretty good law firm." I spoke, thinking about the Biomatrix.

"They even managed to enslave 116 planets, I hear.""Sure they did, buddy, sure they did." The rock sounded unconvinced."Don't believe me?" I raised an eyebrow, considering whether I could tell the story believably.

It didn't hold together in any such fashion in my head, sounding like the ramblings of a drunken hobo who just switched his special meds for worse ones."Beings from outer space made an evil copy of my underpants and it came back to haunt me as a scarf.

The villainous scarf rearranged my organs, made me into a time-traveler and gave me superhuman strength.

Also, it grew antlers on my head.

Then, a humongous, diamond-shaped flying fortress shredded it with a lightning bolt." Damn it.

That doesn't sound very credible."My clothes had a DRM virus that spread across the galaxy copyrighting all the things!" I finally outputted."Uhuh.

Suuuure.

That happened." The pet rock continued to mock my inability to tell my story plausibly."You know what! You are a dumb talking rock, you don't know nothing!" I replied and angrily stared at the Pineapple can, pondering whether hitting it with my pet rock or dropping it from the top floor window would do the trick.