Who is Zee Captain? Let me tell you all about Captain....Where to begin?

  Well, this morning Captain discovered a pair of old Binoculars and dedicated the entire morning to the "FINE ART OF OGLING LADIES".

Finding non-expired, non-radioactive food? No! Ogling ladies for hours on end is definitely far more important an objective than survival!

"SOON, MY PRECIOUS!"

"SOON... WE WILL BE TOGETHER!"

Captain proclaimed at a distant billboard that precariously hung on a thousand-floor skyscraper tower.

"I’ve been searching the ruins for supplies all freaking day and… What are you doing?"

I snarled at Captain, annoyed at the utter waste of time that was happening here. As the answer to my inquiry, Captain handed me a moldy, plastic binder. I opened it to discover...

Where Captain keeps the antique typewriter that types only in fancy, squiggly capitals, I may never find out.

"Sigh... Are you still talking to that Billboard?"

I decided to approach the situation with light sarcasm.

"SHUT UP!"

Captain shushed me.

"I can't hear what she's saying to me! It could be important!"

"That isn't even a real human being, you know. You're talking to a drawing. She can't answer you!"

I mentioned, in an attempt to dislodge Captain from "THE FINE ART OF OGLING".

"HOOMAN ELEMENT, you say? Hrmmmmm...

...Zat is indeed a dis-proportional pickle requiring resolutions. Such is to be procured immediately!"

Upon this, the BINOCULAR DEVICE turned slowly 180 degrees and rested pointing straight at me. I wondered how long Captain was going to stare at me like that, and whether this was, to either of us, an improvement over the previous situation.

"M'YEES... That'll do..."

Was the last thing I heard before something like a sack of rock-hard potatoes hit me on the back of the head and all went dark.

...